2Fortia: The Heavy, the Soldier, and the Spy
by Senator Armstrong
Summary: fuck valve
1. Chapter 1

It was a seemingly normal day for Heavy in the land of Gorge, the map created by Mr. Person Man at Valve. The Heavy's gun, Natasha, had slaughtered many people and made them explode.

"It is good day to be alive" Heavy said. He suddenly got hungry.

"Where is my sandvich?" Heavy asked a passing Blu scout and the scout responded with:

"Make it yaself, fatty"

This got the Heavy very quite indubitably angered.

"Now is good time to run, coward!" Heavy said.

"NO!" The scout yelled, and proceeded to hit Heavy with his baseball bat, but not before Heavy killed him.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a wardrobe with an Engineer's face on it appeared on top of the Scout's dead body.

"Where does dis lead, Engineer? Heavy asked inquisitively.

"This here teleporter leads you to the land of 2Fort. It's a magical land where- SENTRY DOWN!" The Engineer said, and the transmission between the face and the Heavy was soon diminished, and Heavy ran through the portal.

…..

….

….

…!

After an hour of sitting and doing absolutely nothing, Heavy got up. He saw an Engineer contemplating his derivable situation with a Demoman who laughed and drank his stuff. He ran over to the two while yelling "Pootis!" The Engineer looked at Heavy with a smile, and the Demoman just died screaming. The Engineer said a quick Thanks, before Heavy could devour him with a quick "Nom". The Heavy then performed a scan around the perimeter, and found that he had stumbled upon the habitat of the wild Soldier.

"Heavy, I know you just got here and all, but grab my face!" Soldier said.

The Heavy looked at the Soldier defiantly, grabbed onto his face, rearranged his grip, and with a quick scream, Soldier said "Adventure", and the two were off on an adventure to see just WHO sapped the Wardobineer's sentry.

After a long adventure, the two ended up at Gorge, but 2Fortia style. The Heavy was ecstatically happy, so he smiled as wide as he could. The Soldier asked Heavy if he was okay, and a man named Francis appeared out of nowhere. He patched Heavy up, and with a quick Thanks, the two jumped in the air for a victory split. Just then, the Heavy fell down, and Francis noticed the most feared creature in all of 2fortia, aside from the Stupendous Spy from the France. He noticed the Louis.


	2. Louis and Spies and Weegee, Oh my!

**Welcome back to more Chronicles of TeamFortia! This is my second chapter and would like to thank a lovely reviewer, Eternal Nocturne, for reviewing last chapter, and the point reviewed was from Grab My Face by RubberFruit. I'm warning you now. If you can name ALL references I put into this chapter, I will put you as either a GMOD monster against Heavy, or one of Heavy's allies. Send me a PM message entitled References or leave a review. There are 3 in the first 4 sentences. Good luck. Same will happen to he or she that guesses which character I myself am playing the role of.**

Meanwhile, in a land called Morfloor, The Wardrobineer lay lifeless. A Spy with a cone on his head snorted loudly while cackling his Petite Chaufluer (Forgive if I'm wrong, I'm no French genius) off.

"Zat Heavy is dumb! He will never think to look here! Ahaha! Ahaha! Ahahahahahaha!"

Meanwhile, In Gorge, or wherever the Hale I left off last time

Now this Louis wasn't any ordinary Louis. He had lost his pills to a suspicious looking potato with a robotic voice. This Louis could not survive without his pills, so he went insane when he saw his dear friend Francis "patch up" Heavy, since Heavy was suffering from lack of being dead. Louis then rushed out from behind the fence and ate the Soldier's face off. He poked Louis a bunch of times, proceeding to punch him. Francis landed against a wall while Heavy noisily screamed and ran away. Heavy ended up running in a complete circle, as Louis stole Soldier's Cow Mangler 5000 and shot Heavy with it. A blue box appeared out of nowhere; the Medic exited with Kritzkreig, and healed the almost dead Heavy to full health.

"Thank you doctor!" Heavy said loudly.

"It is no problem, Mein Friend!" Medic said, and stepped back into the blue telephone box and disappeared. Specifically to Spy's Morfloor lair.

"I see you have set up ze Heavy with ze thing I told you to?" Spy said indulgently.

"Yes, Mein lord, He vill not survive zis next attack" Medic said, with an evil grin.

Meanwhile, where Heavy is

Heavy was talking with a newfound friend named Medic (This one is RED).

"And zat's how I lost my medical license HOOHOOHAHAHAHAH!" Medic said, hooting with laughter.

Heavy did not get the joke, so he stood there and did what any normal or smart person would do in that situation, and smiled like a gun-wielding, Sandvich eating, fist using, Russian being idiot would do. He stood there. And smiled. LIKE. AN. IDIOT. Not soon after, an explosion rang throughout the building, as Karate Sniper had returned from his state of grief to exact revenge upon the Demoman who brutally slashed off KS's arm. The explosion rattles on, and when it ended, the conversation between Heavy and Medic looked a little something like this:

"What was noise?" Heavy said with his head and hopes lifted"

"Ze sound of Oktoberfest, Mein friend!" Medic said, hoping to answer Heavy's question.

Heavy put his head down because Medic's answer was _NO GOOD. _

Meanwhile, Karate Sniper and Karate Scout met with Heavy the next day to discuss Spies, Eating, and Contests. A spy came in and told the 3 bored team members to have a Spy Eating Contest. Not remembering he was a Spy, he was devoured quickly and mercilessly by the three noobs. The 3 were satisfied. Soon, a voice of a RED Engineer told the men to look in its owner's direction. Heavy turned, and he was in a state of extreme shock. Engie had managed to gather OVER 9000 spies for the contest. Seeing a chance as any of them might know how to find the evil of the land, Heavy asked them:

"Good day my kind sirs. I was teleported to this world here by a strange Engineer whose noggin was atop a wardrobe. Might any of you fine gentlemen know where the ringleader of these shenanigans may be?"

It actually came like so:

"Now is good time to run cowards!"

The spies, afraid of suffering the same fate as their friend, quickly set off an explosive detonator within themselves to rid themselves of the problem. The carcasses of the spies were just waiting to be eaten as Sniper and Scout said Holy Dooly! And Woohoo! Woohoohoo!, respectively. Heavy was admiring his handiwork, when he decided he should eat his masterpiece, as the contest hadn't ended, so he started eating. Sniper and Scout quickly caught on, and the three of them were eating like no tomorrow…

After the three had their fill, they lay on the ground, exhausted. A Soldier appeared out of thin air and snickered manically, even though his true intentions were to reveal the winner of the contest.

"Heavy!" Soldier said.

Heavy was ecstatic. He looked very happy, and did a victory dance.

But that soon ended as- *gets cut off by Spy at Morfloor*

"Mwahahah*snort snort* hahaha *snort snort* hahaha! You zere, Demoman! Grab zat Potato and throw it at the button!" Spy snorted.

"Umm, Master Spy, don't ye think dis here is a bad idea? Dis here potato could be useful soon!" Demoman retorted retartedly, because he demoted to Scrub Demo 3rd class and was sent to mop up the Scrumpe.

"You! Figure shrouded in darkness covered by Zelda's headpigions! Press zat zere button!" Spy yelled.

The figure pressed the button with a finger the size of a finger's finger. A door rised and a figure clad in an erect position, clad in green with a never-ending stare.

"Aha! The strongest member of ze organization shall slay ze Heavy!" Spy tickled Soldier ferociously while saying that.

The figure was transported to Heavy's location and Heavy just stared…

… similar to the dreaded figure, which was…

WEEGEE


	3. About Time This was Updated

**Y'know that last story I made? That wasn't a chapter. I was intending it to be, but changed at the last second. Anyways, here is another setback Heavy has. AwN wIt DuH nEcKsT cHaPtUr! **

One day, Heavy decided he wanted a friend. A metal one built by the Engineer that took 500 metal to get to level 3. It also gave health. It wasn't a sentry or teleporter, it was a…

..

…

...

Since the narrator took an arrow in the knee (dedicated to Eternal Nocturne, since I know how much she LOVES these jokes), he had to announce the object was a dispenser before leaving to the emergency room and getting replaced by a new narrator.

Heavy ran like a BAWSS to the Medic, who was standing around screaming "Oktoberfeeeest!"

"Tiny baby Medic, where is Engineer?" Heavy asked and/or stated.

"Oktoberfest, OktoooooooberFFEEEESsSST!" The OktoberMedic said.

The Heavy punched the Medic who landed in front of the Engineer of the team that was BLU.

"Is good!" Heavy said.

"What do you want here, Dummeh?" Engineer stated, oblivious to the fact war was about to break out.

Heavy took a breath so large; he took up all the oxygen on 2Fortia. But luckily, everybody knows people can survive by exploding, so they didn't. The oxygen returned as soon as the Pyro jumped over the moon and landed on the Sniper, who farted and killed the Spy with its toxic fumes.

"PootisPootis-!" Heavy started saying.

The Engineer, oblivious to the fact Heavy only wanted a friend, yelled "NO!" and exploded and reappeared 2 millimeters away.

"PootisPootisPootis!" Heavy yelled.

Engineer ran away, oblivious to the fact he oblivious to all of the facts, gathered more Engineers and had each and every single one of those 2 gashmillionblillionjillion Engineers made a level 3 sentry to beat the crap out of Pootis-Man.

When the Army of Gottam* retured, their jaws dropped to the sky. Heavy had gotten the Army of Pootis, made of 2 gashmillionblillionjillion and 1 heavies, and Heavy even changed his name to Pootis McTootis man.

Remember that 1 heavy from 1 sentences ago? Yes? Well he died because his heart got arrested for speeding.

All in unison, those 2 gashmillionblillionjillion Heavies let out 1 POOTIS at the same time. The world fell apart so much, it stayed together. The Heavies made a Bob-Omb so powerful, it exploded and said "POOTIS" 10x the volume of the 2 gashmillionblillionjillion Heavies.

The Engineers were so surprised; their Sentries gained 2 hidden levels, and became LEVEL 5.

"You big dummies!" the Engineers said, and threw Professor Laytons (Property of Level5, you know) at the Heavies.

The narrator had to leave because he got bored and hungry. He came back 15 minutes later to continue narrating. Until then, all 4 gashmillionblillionjillion of everyone enjoyed tea.

After the narrator returned, the two sides quickly resumed the bloody and gory fight that never actually occurred. The only thing that DID happen, was have the two sides yelling their slogans as loud as possible, and some died from ear explosions, some died from blood loss, some from broken bones, some from Diarrhea, some from explosive diarrhea, and some from IMPLOSIVE diarrhea, and many from getting shot in the head by the Endangered Spycrab, which everybody that is cool these days knows it is illegal to kill.

After the armies of the 2 gashmillionblillionjillion involving the Pootis and the Gottam were reduced to the army leaders, who were surprisingly exhausted, considering the fact they were carried by their teams to overkill the other army.

"*pant pant* Boy, this would've been inevitable if you'd just've shut the hell up." Engineer said.

"Tiny little Engineer does not understand. I only wanted dispenser!" Heavy said.

"You're kiddin' me, right?" Engineer asked painfully."

"No." Heavy said.

The Engineer, overwhelmed by the sheer stupidity of the Heavy, decided to die.

So he did.

Heavy did a victory dance, which consisted of the Beejees.

Little did Heavy know that 4 gashmillionblillionjillion is a number unattainable in game. Heavy must've used the HAAAAAX without knowing it.

-Meanwhile, thousands of miles away at a place containing one Lloyd and One Dr. HAAAAX-

The two men got into a car, and drove to Heavy's exact location.

The two men stepped out of the car.

Heavy looked at the two men, oblivious to the fact the narrator started using the oblivious to the fact joke again.

"THE HAAAAAAAX!" Dr. Hax exclaimed.

Lloyd stepped up and calmed Dr. Hax down.

"Hey! You wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?

.EEEEAHHAHAH!" Lloyd stated stermoviously.

The narrator dictated that word meant loudly and quite stupidly.

The blast sent Heavy thousands of more miles away, where Link was being tortured by a crazy Zelda.

"Zelda, stop eating Navi. We have a guest." Link stated.

"Om nom nom, om nom." Zelda said.

Heavy gasped, because that was the same sound he made when he ate his sandvich.

He teleported back to his little land of wherever Dr. Hax and Lloyd were, because he had to stop the Snorting Spy of the South Part of France.

Link awoke with a start. He ran to Zelda, and told her he had a nightmare.

"Well, you were eating Navi and this fat guy clad in red appeared who wasn't Mario with a krabby patty, but you two started to dance to the Beejees, and I took an arrow in the knee.

"Oh, sorry Link, that wasn't a dream." Zelda said.

Link saw a boom box playing the Beejees, a sandvich with a half-eaten Navi in it, and an arrow in his knee.

Heavy awoke with a start.

**And that sums up this chapter! R&R! Completed 1/17/12**

**Gottam- Gotta Move This – Engineer- Tf2**

**Pootis – Put Dispenser here- Heavy Tf2**

**By the way, expect a lot more of the references to Eternal Nocturne and breaking of the fourth wall. Also, expect narrator jokes. Thank you, and see you later.**

**These 6 words make 1000 words.**

**Except for the fact my stories get somewhat mutilated during the upload process, so oh well. Also ignore the periods and such put into some parts.**


	4. HL3: Lost in Time

**After not updating this story in what seems like forever and a day, I have not one, not three, but TWO chapters! This one is dedicated solely to me and my friends, LilyRoseTheDreamer, EternalNocturne, and Scatman John! Guest appearances by a good friend of mine thetig3r42, along with RubberFruit. Check out their YouTube channels! For clarification:**

**Me- Sniper- Holy Hunter, Villain's Veil, Sydney Sleeper, Shanshahah, Darwin's Danger Shield (DDS)**

**Eternal Nocturne- Sniper- Anger, Crocodile Smile, Huntsman, DDS, Tribalman's Shiv**

**LilyRoseTheDreamer- Medic (Because no team needs more than two Snipers XD) - Vintage Tyrolean, Blighted Beak, Crusader's Crossbow, Quick-Fix, Ubersaw**

**If anyone makes this into a Garry's Mod video, tell me.**

"Welcome to the epic novel of 2fortia. This is a filler chapter. It features Gmodders, Friendship, enemies, Beatles, and the truth behind Half Life 3. Enjoy." Said the Narrator.

Once upon a space and time continuum, there was a war between nine blue morons and nine red nincompoops. This war is referred to as "Team Fortress 2". Gabe Newell decided to make a game based off of it, and that's why it is worth the weight.

Anyways, our friends in BLU decide to capture the intelligence in a quite desolate wasteland known as "Teufort".

Strutting his stuff past RED, he managed to distract them for long enough for a Sniper and a Medic to take them out, using a combo known as "Medieval Maniacs". From a very long distance of 50 feet away, our hero, the BLU Sniper turned his head and thanked them.

"YEH."

"JAVOHL!"

The Sniper was satisfied with his results and proceeded to enter RED's base the stealthiest way he could.

"Medic, Go, go, go!" said a femaleular Sniper"

"Ja!" said a feminineular Medic.

They both flew off at the speed of a normal person to the destination of on the RED sniping deck.

-Suddenly, Sniper-

As he quietly walked near the entrance to RED's basement, the Sniper had thoughts of this moment being like Christmas morning, so he said it in the most Sniperish way possible.

"It's just like Christmas morning"

Near the ammo and health kits, the Sniper found a certain friend wearing the Grenadier's Softcap.

"I am thetig3r42. Engineers Ahead!"

"Get bloody going!" said the Sniper.

"Ok!" said the self-proclaimed thetig3r42. Who does he think he is?

All of a sudden, thetig3r42 flew into RED's Intel room.

He ended up distracting every single Engineer, Sentry, Dispenser, and Pootisbird, which caused mass hysteria.

Thetig3r42's head grew as large as large might be, and sucked up every Sentry and Engineer.

Without their Sentry-buddy, the Dispensers all exploded.

With the dispensers gone, the Pootis population died out in the span of twelve million short, short, seconds, all compressed to about 88 miles per hour.

And then everyone died, thetig3r42 flew off happily, Medic and Sniper advanced closer to the Intel room, and Sniper was about to grab the intelligence, when he heard a distinct line.

"Mine!"

After the exclamation of that word, inhuman forces caused the Intel to fly into the Red Soldier's hands.

"I am Rubberfruit. No intelligence for you, Bilbo Baggins."

"Yeah? I challenge you to help Gaben make Half Life 3!" said the Sniper to his new rival.

"Okay!"

The challenge had been accepted, which caused a disturbance in the force, sending Rubberfruit and ProtagaSniper (me) to the Department of Gaben.

"GABENGABENGABENGABENGABEN!" said Gabe.

"Ok!" said the two challengers.

"1, 2…. 2… um… UH…. UH!... Gabe.N has shut down unexpectedly." said Gaben.

The two sat down at different computers and began working.

One amount of ITT Time later…

After what seemed like two and a half seconds, Rubberfruit had finished telling the world how a Soldier could destroy a Sentry.

One millennium later, Sniper finished, and Gabe released Half Life 3 Episode: Sniper to the world.

Gabe exploded, sending the intelligence into Sniper's hands.

While Rubberfruit died a cold, fiery death, the Sniper gave him Source Film Maker, which allowed Rubberfruit to live for one more forever.

Sniper was then reunited with his colleagues EternalSnipeturne and LilyRosetheMedic.

As the trio met in the intelligence room, a Soldier wearing a Demoman's Buccaneer's Bicorne kicked everyone to the BLU base while the Red base exploded, killing all of the free to play Heavies and Scouts inside.

As the quadrio met, they quickly caught up with each other.

"G'day"

"Hello, Frauliens!"

"Hello!"

"This is like Christmas Mornin'"

And then Heavy woke up from his sleep after watching the documentary on the friends.

"I must stop Spy!"

And then Heavy rushed off to find The Snorting Spy of the South part of France, leaving behind Pootspencers, which killed everybody in the world, excluding everyone.

Suddenly, Gabe traveled back in time to the 1960s.

Ringo has recently been trapped and fangirled over.

The remaining three saw Gaben on the corner of a building.

"Are you Ringo?" asked Paul McCartney.

"Uuuh, no. It's just me, Gabe Newell."

"Do you wanna be a Beatle?"

"Uuh, yeah I do!'

And then the newly wed Gabe jumped high into the air with his new band mates, producing Half Life 3.

"And that my friends, is why there is no Half Life 3 to date. Half Life 3 was made in the 1960s, and lost in time. Gaben eventually made it back to the times of today, but is no longer a Beatle."

**The Emd.**


End file.
